This post is going to be therapeutic, so read at your own risk. I have a lot on my mind.
I have been thinking a lot about the difference a day can make. It actually makes me think about my friend Kathy who died last year. When she was diagnosed with cancer (on top of having CF), her Facebook profile had the line (or a very close iteration): "What a difference a day can make." Her life was transformed in a single day -- the day she found out she had leukemia. Her life changed in that very instant. Most change throughout life is gradual and can't be pinpointed to a specific moment. It's like, all of a sudden you wake up one day and realize that a transformation happened so slowly that you don't even recall how you got where you are. Then, there are other changes that happen so instantaneously that you can't possibly process the information as quickly as necessary.
A nurse I knew died last week from stomach cancer. She had no advanced warning, but went to the doctor complaining of stomach pain and found out that a) she had cancer, and b) it had spread to her entire body. She died three weeks later. I find it nearly impossible to grasp the concept that she was in a hospital more days than not, yet was unaware of the cancer.
Moments like these remind me exactly how precious each day is. It's so easy to get lost in the concept of the future -- living for it, preparing for it, dreaming of it. Sometimes we get so focused on the future that we lose sight of today. I realize I'm not making any never-been-heard revelations here, but this has been weighing heavily on my mind and heart over the past few weeks. No, we shouldn't get so caught up in today that we make reckless decisions that jeopardize the future. However, we also shouldn't harp so much on the future that we deprive ourselves of the things that bring us today's happiness.
Each day is meant to be cherished.
____
Disclaimer: Blog posts like this annoy me sometimes, but I wrote it for myself. So STEP OFF!
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sappy Magee
I am such a sap right now. Man, it's absurd. I think it's expected, though, given the events of the past few weeks.
So, Friday night was my grandfather's visitation. It was actually really great. A lot of people were there showing support and it meant a lot to our family. I imagined that it was going to be pretty difficult, but it was very pleasant.
The funeral was absolutely beautiful. I spoke and, although I had a difficult time deciding what I'd say, the words came to me on Friday night. If you'd like to see the tribute I wrote, let me know. That isn't a ploy or a friendship test, by the way; I just don't really feel like shoving it down your throats.
I have to say that I've never felt comfortable in a cemetery until Saturday. I think there are many factors that contribute to that. The casket was draped with an American flag and military people were there giving a final salute and playing "Taps" (I didn't know the name of it until just now, but it is beautiful). Aside from some difficulty folding the flag into a triangle, it was perfect. Honestly, though, the folding debacle made it even better. The weather was amazing and the sun was shining!
Here is a photograph of the flag:
Hmm, what else? On Sunday, the family celebrated Easter at Gran's house and that was nice. I wasn't the most endearing person to be around since I was feeling pretty exhausted by that point, but it was great to get to see my other side of the family. After the Easter celebration, I came home and exercised in an attempt to clear my mind and freshen up my mood.
Then, I ended the weekend by heading to my other grandmother's house to spend the night with her so she wasn't alone. We hadn't had any one-on-one time in quite a while, so it was nice to visit with her and lend her an ear as she adjusts to her new life without my grandfather.
This is really dorky, but I stumbled upon something that made me really excited last night. I had been looking through a lot of photo albums last week because I was asked to pick out the photographs for the slide show at the visitation. I looked through a lot of pictures of my grandparents' trips to all different places like China, Australia, Italy, etc. However, last night I ran into a photo album of random pictures my grandfather took. It's funny because I remember him having a disposable camera at Christmas a few years back. In this album, there were several pictures of us (at Christmas) that he'd taken with the disposable camera. However, the rest of the disposable camera consisted of pictures he'd taken of geese at the lake. It's the same journey he was on when he died last week. It was really neat because I was a little too far removed from the pictures of faraway places, but the geese pictures were so simple and documented something meaningful to me; it was almost like I was walking right there with him. I took two of the pictures -- one he took from the bridge of the geese swimming (you can see his finger in the photo), and one of the geese crossing the sidewalk right in front of him. They were so amateur and I love them because it's like viewing everyday life from his eyes. How long can I talk about some photos of geese? You tell me.
Today I returned back to work and, although I really hadn't been gone, it felt like it. I was greeted by tons of termites running rampant on the carpet outside of my office. I didn't notice them at first because I got to work so early and didn't turn on the light in the hallway. However, a little while later, I looked at the carpet and realized it was like an optical illusion. Seriously. The carpet looked 3D like a Magic Eye puzzle. Are you grossed out yet? I spent the rest of the morning being paranoid that they were crawling on me and, after the Orkin man came and said they were coming up through the floor, the folks in my suite called it a day and headed home. Ugh, I shouldn't be thinking about this so close to bedtime. I'm gonna dream of termites bringing me donuts.
Well, it's about to become my birthday if anyone's counting. I've set a goal for Drew's Crew to raise $2,500 on my birthday. I gave us a tiny head start because I was getting impatient. If you'd like to contribute to the cause, first let me commend you for making it this far in this novel of a post. Secondly, here is the link: http://www.cff.org/great_strides/drewdotson5267.
I want to thank everyone who has shown me some love over the past several days; it has really helped.
Hello, bed of mine! How I've missed thee!
So, Friday night was my grandfather's visitation. It was actually really great. A lot of people were there showing support and it meant a lot to our family. I imagined that it was going to be pretty difficult, but it was very pleasant.
The funeral was absolutely beautiful. I spoke and, although I had a difficult time deciding what I'd say, the words came to me on Friday night. If you'd like to see the tribute I wrote, let me know. That isn't a ploy or a friendship test, by the way; I just don't really feel like shoving it down your throats.
I have to say that I've never felt comfortable in a cemetery until Saturday. I think there are many factors that contribute to that. The casket was draped with an American flag and military people were there giving a final salute and playing "Taps" (I didn't know the name of it until just now, but it is beautiful). Aside from some difficulty folding the flag into a triangle, it was perfect. Honestly, though, the folding debacle made it even better. The weather was amazing and the sun was shining!
Here is a photograph of the flag:
Hmm, what else? On Sunday, the family celebrated Easter at Gran's house and that was nice. I wasn't the most endearing person to be around since I was feeling pretty exhausted by that point, but it was great to get to see my other side of the family. After the Easter celebration, I came home and exercised in an attempt to clear my mind and freshen up my mood.
Then, I ended the weekend by heading to my other grandmother's house to spend the night with her so she wasn't alone. We hadn't had any one-on-one time in quite a while, so it was nice to visit with her and lend her an ear as she adjusts to her new life without my grandfather.
This is really dorky, but I stumbled upon something that made me really excited last night. I had been looking through a lot of photo albums last week because I was asked to pick out the photographs for the slide show at the visitation. I looked through a lot of pictures of my grandparents' trips to all different places like China, Australia, Italy, etc. However, last night I ran into a photo album of random pictures my grandfather took. It's funny because I remember him having a disposable camera at Christmas a few years back. In this album, there were several pictures of us (at Christmas) that he'd taken with the disposable camera. However, the rest of the disposable camera consisted of pictures he'd taken of geese at the lake. It's the same journey he was on when he died last week. It was really neat because I was a little too far removed from the pictures of faraway places, but the geese pictures were so simple and documented something meaningful to me; it was almost like I was walking right there with him. I took two of the pictures -- one he took from the bridge of the geese swimming (you can see his finger in the photo), and one of the geese crossing the sidewalk right in front of him. They were so amateur and I love them because it's like viewing everyday life from his eyes. How long can I talk about some photos of geese? You tell me.
Today I returned back to work and, although I really hadn't been gone, it felt like it. I was greeted by tons of termites running rampant on the carpet outside of my office. I didn't notice them at first because I got to work so early and didn't turn on the light in the hallway. However, a little while later, I looked at the carpet and realized it was like an optical illusion. Seriously. The carpet looked 3D like a Magic Eye puzzle. Are you grossed out yet? I spent the rest of the morning being paranoid that they were crawling on me and, after the Orkin man came and said they were coming up through the floor, the folks in my suite called it a day and headed home. Ugh, I shouldn't be thinking about this so close to bedtime. I'm gonna dream of termites bringing me donuts.
Well, it's about to become my birthday if anyone's counting. I've set a goal for Drew's Crew to raise $2,500 on my birthday. I gave us a tiny head start because I was getting impatient. If you'd like to contribute to the cause, first let me commend you for making it this far in this novel of a post. Secondly, here is the link: http://www.cff.org/great_strides/drewdotson5267.
I want to thank everyone who has shown me some love over the past several days; it has really helped.
Hello, bed of mine! How I've missed thee!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Well, well, well...
What do we have here?
So, I know I just got impatient and posted a blog in mid-thought. So sue me! Tuesday didn't quite go as expected, but that seems to be the norm these days. I had an 8:00 a.m. meeting to discuss the CF center communications plan I've been crafting. The highlight of that meeting was DUNKIN' DONUTS! No, I didn't have a white powdered donut, but I did have a regular donut with chocolate frosting. As I was leaving the meeting to walk down the street to my office, I decided to have one more donut. So, with a notebook in one hand and a donut in the other, I shamelessly strolled down the sidewalk.
I went to Willy's like usual and, on the way back from lunch, my mom texted me and asked me to call her. I tried and she didn't answer, but she called me shortly after I walked back into my office. She told me that my grandfather died. Now, given that he's the healthiest he's been in several years, I was in absolute shock. I literally started bawling hysterically -- that cry when you're sobbing faster than you can breathe. I had my office door shut, but it only took moments to get a knock asking if everything was okay. I was practically in the midst of a panic attack. I started babbling incoherently and couldn't really get it together. I had a meeting a few minutes later and, for some unknown reason, I decided that the best thing to do was to proceed like normal. I pretty much sat there in a daze for an hour.
After the meeting, I decided to head home to try to gather my thoughts. As I was about to hop on the highway, my mom called and let me know that people were heading from the hospital back to my grandmother's house. I turned my car around and started making my way to her place. When I arrived there, some workers were talking to my grandmother and aunt, telling them some of the last jokes my grandfather made. [For example, a worker passed him and was pushing two carts, and he suggested that the worker better be getting paid double.] I then heard the story of what happened...
My grandparents live at a retirement community with a big lake. My grandfather loves (loved? I never know when to make that transition in tense.) walking around that lake. He went on one of his usual walks and sat down on a bench. Supposedly he had an exchange with a lady and she continued walking, and the next thing she knew, folks were running over to help him, but he was simply gone. The ambulances came and couldn't really get a pulse; they believe he had a heart attack. They took him to the hospital, but couldn't bring him back. I have to say that, of all the ways to go, it sounds so perfect to be doing one of your favorite pastimes, sitting on your favorite bench, enjoying a beautiful Spring day. Although the initial shock was very difficult, I am so thankful that he had such a painless death.
It was ironic, too, because I used to always try to wear purple when I was going to see him. I don't own all that much purple, but I knew he liked it when I wore purple. On Tuesday, I happened to put on a purple shirt and, when my mom informed me of his death, my purple shirt was one of the first things to cross my mind. I'm going to be speaking at the funeral, and I'm still thinking of what all I'm going to say. It's all been a little difficult to digest, but I'm feeling very at-peace with the whole thing.
I'm at my parents' house right now; it feels good to be home. I will leave you with a sight that made me laugh uncontrollably. One might think it seems insensitive, but my grandfather was quite the comedian, so I think he'd appreciate this photograph of a nutritious meal...
P.S. I saw another car accident yesterday. I was on foot and it was 15 feet away (at most). Shudder.
So, I know I just got impatient and posted a blog in mid-thought. So sue me! Tuesday didn't quite go as expected, but that seems to be the norm these days. I had an 8:00 a.m. meeting to discuss the CF center communications plan I've been crafting. The highlight of that meeting was DUNKIN' DONUTS! No, I didn't have a white powdered donut, but I did have a regular donut with chocolate frosting. As I was leaving the meeting to walk down the street to my office, I decided to have one more donut. So, with a notebook in one hand and a donut in the other, I shamelessly strolled down the sidewalk.
I went to Willy's like usual and, on the way back from lunch, my mom texted me and asked me to call her. I tried and she didn't answer, but she called me shortly after I walked back into my office. She told me that my grandfather died. Now, given that he's the healthiest he's been in several years, I was in absolute shock. I literally started bawling hysterically -- that cry when you're sobbing faster than you can breathe. I had my office door shut, but it only took moments to get a knock asking if everything was okay. I was practically in the midst of a panic attack. I started babbling incoherently and couldn't really get it together. I had a meeting a few minutes later and, for some unknown reason, I decided that the best thing to do was to proceed like normal. I pretty much sat there in a daze for an hour.
After the meeting, I decided to head home to try to gather my thoughts. As I was about to hop on the highway, my mom called and let me know that people were heading from the hospital back to my grandmother's house. I turned my car around and started making my way to her place. When I arrived there, some workers were talking to my grandmother and aunt, telling them some of the last jokes my grandfather made. [For example, a worker passed him and was pushing two carts, and he suggested that the worker better be getting paid double.] I then heard the story of what happened...
My grandparents live at a retirement community with a big lake. My grandfather loves (loved? I never know when to make that transition in tense.) walking around that lake. He went on one of his usual walks and sat down on a bench. Supposedly he had an exchange with a lady and she continued walking, and the next thing she knew, folks were running over to help him, but he was simply gone. The ambulances came and couldn't really get a pulse; they believe he had a heart attack. They took him to the hospital, but couldn't bring him back. I have to say that, of all the ways to go, it sounds so perfect to be doing one of your favorite pastimes, sitting on your favorite bench, enjoying a beautiful Spring day. Although the initial shock was very difficult, I am so thankful that he had such a painless death.
It was ironic, too, because I used to always try to wear purple when I was going to see him. I don't own all that much purple, but I knew he liked it when I wore purple. On Tuesday, I happened to put on a purple shirt and, when my mom informed me of his death, my purple shirt was one of the first things to cross my mind. I'm going to be speaking at the funeral, and I'm still thinking of what all I'm going to say. It's all been a little difficult to digest, but I'm feeling very at-peace with the whole thing.
I'm at my parents' house right now; it feels good to be home. I will leave you with a sight that made me laugh uncontrollably. One might think it seems insensitive, but my grandfather was quite the comedian, so I think he'd appreciate this photograph of a nutritious meal...
P.S. I saw another car accident yesterday. I was on foot and it was 15 feet away (at most). Shudder.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-ohhhhh. How sweet it is!
Helloooo. I don't know why I am staying up so late when I have such a big day tomorrow. Perhaps it's the silly in me.
My friend Brian died on Wednesday night. I received the notification at 12:04 a.m. Needless to say, Thursday was a very challenging day. I was overwhelmed, though, by the support from my friends and family. Although it's very hard to know someone has lost the battle with CF, it's also refreshing to know that he lived a life that should make him proud.
Thursday was a big mass email day and involved interviewing candidates, so there was a lot going on and very little time to process the news. It kind of amazed me how well I was able to contain myself when necessary, but how shameless I was in the brief stints alone in my office. I honestly think that my composure, even in tough situations, has really been enhanced by improv. When it's time to perform, I have to rid myself of everything going on outside of the theater so that I can go on stage with a clean slate. I feel like I handled it all so gracefully, which is a lot for good ol' "macaroni water" me.
The big whammy is that I performed in a show Thursday night, too. So, having had probably 25 tiny tear outbursts throughout the day, several interviews to sit in on, and a huge technical failure day with our mass email tool (WHAT A TOOL!), it amazed me how well I was able to compartmentalize it for the duration of the show. I felt like I had a really great show, and I think it's a result of all of the emotion circulating in my body.
I got to do several new(ish) and exciting things: I was the therapist for Emo Couples Therapy, I commentated for Slow-Mo Sports Commentary (I think that was the name), I played Oscar Musical, I was a caller in Phones, and I played Musical Styles. It was also my friend's birthday (BA) and he was in the show, so there was great energy among the entire cast. Fun times! It was such a positive end to a day that started so painfully.
Today has been a nonstop day. I was still troubleshooting yesterday's technical issues, but I got everything finished. I got some groceries, too, which I'd needed to do all week. I also went to the bank. I had a crew shift tonight at the theatre and, since I was running super early, I had time to stop at Marshalls on my way. I got an orange shirt and some teeny tiny boat shoes. They're navy, red, and white, and they are now named "My Braves Shoes."
Well, tomorrow I have a ton to do... like perform at a festival and go see Tim McGraw. It's going to be exhausting, but I really can't wait. I'm going to try to exercise, too, so I better get to sleep. When did it become so late? Geez!
Thank you again to everyone who reached out to me on Thursday. Here's another way you can help: http://www.cff.org/great_strides/drewdotson5267.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
I am still alive
Hi. I am still alive. Despite reaching an uncharted level yesterday, I have lived to tell about it. Yesterday was absolutely fascinating. Although I got stuck by needles 28 times and exercised to the point of not being able to speak, I am glad I participated. I literally rode on an exercise bike in a 90-degree heat chamber for almost three hours.
When I got off of the bike, I literally felt close to death. I felt as though I was going in and out of consciousness, much like the feeling before going under anesthesia. I wasn't sure if people were truly talking to me or if I was hearing voices. I also wasn't sure if I was responding or if I was simply thinking the responses. It was an extremely strange feeling.
Being that I'm a very independent person, I knew that I was at a point of desperation. I had to have someone help undress me and help me use the restroom. The researchers had to collect a urine sample after the exercise section, and a lady literally held the urine sample container under me because I could not do it myself. It was a neat feeling to be at a point of helplessness because I'm not sure that I've been like that before. The closest I've ever been was in the midst of an asthma attack, but at least I knew what was happening in those situations.
I am glad I participated, even though I don't feel as though my head is entirely back. The researchers were concerned that I could have been suffering from hyponatremia, so I was literally eating and drinking salt in order to help correct my electrolyte imbalance, if that's what was happening. Yesterday was crazy! It was a thrill! I don't think I want to do it again, though...
When I got off of the bike, I literally felt close to death. I felt as though I was going in and out of consciousness, much like the feeling before going under anesthesia. I wasn't sure if people were truly talking to me or if I was hearing voices. I also wasn't sure if I was responding or if I was simply thinking the responses. It was an extremely strange feeling.
Being that I'm a very independent person, I knew that I was at a point of desperation. I had to have someone help undress me and help me use the restroom. The researchers had to collect a urine sample after the exercise section, and a lady literally held the urine sample container under me because I could not do it myself. It was a neat feeling to be at a point of helplessness because I'm not sure that I've been like that before. The closest I've ever been was in the midst of an asthma attack, but at least I knew what was happening in those situations.
I am glad I participated, even though I don't feel as though my head is entirely back. The researchers were concerned that I could have been suffering from hyponatremia, so I was literally eating and drinking salt in order to help correct my electrolyte imbalance, if that's what was happening. Yesterday was crazy! It was a thrill! I don't think I want to do it again, though...
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